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Something Different - Apr 2010 If you have something along these lines that you would like us to publish, please send them to me at vernazzarov@cox.net. The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper... "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first? " Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." "Oh myGod!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow." A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack." A
lady pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the
carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" A
police officer stops a guy for speeding and asks him very politely
if he could see his drivers license. He replied in a huff, "I wish
you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away
my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you!" The
young lady reported for her university final examination that
consists of some "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the
examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and
then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin
and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for
Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done,
whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the
last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
muttering and swearing to herself. The moderator, alarmed,
approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in
half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
Due to
the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV stations
are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled
"Survivor: Southern Style."
If all
the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Three
men, one German, one Japanese and a Redneck were sitting naked in a
sauna. |
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Name These Christmas Songs 1. Oh, member of the round table with missing areas 2. Boulder of the tinkling metal spheres 3. Vehicular homicide was committed on dad’s mom by a precipitous darling 4. Wanted in December: top forward incisors 5. The apartment of two psychiatrists 6. The lad is a diminutive percussionist 7. Sir Lancelot with laryngitis 8. Decorate the entryways 9. Cup-shaped instruments fashioned of a whitish metallic element 10 Oh small Israel urban center 11 Far off in a hay bin 12 We are Kong, Lear, and Nat Cole 13 Duodecimal enumeration of the passage of the yuletide season 14 Leave and broadcast from an elevation 15 Our fervent hope is that you thoroughly enjoy your yuletide season 16 Listen, the winged heavenly messengers are proclaiming tunefully 17 As the guardians of the woolly animals protected their charges in the dark hours 18 I beheld a trio of nautical vessels moving in this direction 19 Jubilation to the entire terrestrial globe 2 Do you perceive the same vibrations which stimulate my auditory sense organ? 21 A joyful song of reverence relative to hollow metallic vessels which vibrate and bring forth a ringing sound when struck 2 Parent was observed osculating a red-coated unshaven teamster 2 May the Deity bestow an absence of fatigue to mild male humans 2 Rose-colored uncouth dolt is aware of the nature of precipitation, darling |