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Something Different - August 2010 If you have something
along these lines that you would like us to publish, please send
them to me at
vernazzarov@cox.net.
There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy following behind and filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So, he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again." The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is out sick today." A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. However it took the old man two days to assemble the toy. Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company. Things that make you go hmmmmm..... If the police arrest a mime, do the have to tell him that he has the right to remain silent.
Why is
it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the
bathroom in a handicapped stall? True bravery . . . Arriving home late after a boy's night out, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning; or are you flying somewhere?" Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning. He got to thinking about things, and asked, "Mommy, why does Daddy have such little hair on his head?" "He thinks a lot, dear" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a such good answer to her husband's baldness. "Then, why do you have so much hair?" asked Little Johnny. "Go eat your breakfast!" snarled his mother. One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after awhile she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after awhile she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart." A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" "Well son," he replied, "You must have got it from your mother . . . I still have all of mine!" Dear Dogs and Cats, When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the objective. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get you paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell other dogs' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door... Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. 5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the results.
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