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Something Different - August 2011
If you have something along these lines that you would like us to
publish, please send them to me at
vernazzarov@cox.net.
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five times. At the sixth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them............." ********** Two little kids were in a hospital lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leaned over toward the other and asked, "What are you in here for?" The second kid said, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little scared." The first kid replied, " You've got nothing to worry about; I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream - it's a breeze." The second kid then asked, "What are you here for?" the first kid replied, "A Circumcision." The second kid said, "Whoa, good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born, and couldn't walk for a whole year." ********** Jon was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ. He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!" ********** As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!" Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I . . . I . . . didn't pinch that girl!" "Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did." ********** Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears... Sometimes ... when you are worried ... no one sees your pain... Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile... But fart just one darn time ... **********
A minister dies and is
waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's
dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed." ********** The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply. **********
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 55 1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3) No one expects you to run -- anywhere. 4) People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6) There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7) Things you buy now won't wear out. 8) You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 9) You can live without sex but not without your glasses. 10) You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. 11) You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 12) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 13) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 14) You sing along with elevator music. 15) Your eyes won't get much worse. 16) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 17) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 18) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 19) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 20) You can't remember the Web site where you saw this list.********** Notes from the Edge of Life Dear Noah,We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns
Dear Yahoo,
Dear Batman,
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