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Something Different - December 2010

If you have something along these lines that you would like us to publish, please send them to me at vernazzarov@cox.net.
 

     One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
     She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.  Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.  The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
     "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
     "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let me fart."

**********

     Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a  State Police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.  He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"  So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.  Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies --- two in the front seat and three in the back--- eyes wide, and white as ghosts.
     The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
     "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You  weren't speeding,  but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
     "Slower than the speed  limit?" she asked.  "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly---twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
     The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
      A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
      "But before I let you go, Ma'am," said the officer, "I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK?  These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."
      "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer.  We just got off Route  119... "

**********

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

"To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.

He takes the photo and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

**********

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

**********

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

**********

 An Alabaman came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here - muh house is on fahr."
 "OK," replied the fireman. "How do we get there?"
 "Shucks, don't you fellers still have them big red trucks?"

**********

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911.
 The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
 
 "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
 "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
 The operator asked. "Can you spell that for me?"
 After a long pause Bubba said. "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

**********

   A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she
got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and
said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or
looking up from her drawing , the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

**********

   One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at
her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought
about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of
grandma's hairs are white?"

**********

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school got to for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of
apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE.
God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of
the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a
note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.