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Something Different - Feb 2010 If you have something along these lines that you would like us to publish, please send them to me at vernazzarov@cox.net.
My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was
flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' ******************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes
from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
she sat alone at a nearby table.
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom
mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay
me a compliment.' A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent. "Well," replied the rancher, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board. There's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to . . . the half-wit", says the Agent. "That would be me", replied the rancher. SHOULD CHILDREN WITNESS CHILDBIRTH? Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. The mommy pushed and pushed, and after a little while little Conner was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Conner began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place; smack his butt again! Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties. The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania. And bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from West Virginia He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a Minnesota girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye! Gotta love Minnesota Women! A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road pounding a sign into the ground that reads: 'The End is near! Turn yourself around now and be saved before it's too late!' "Leave us alone you religious nuts!", yelled a driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and
a big splash. The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think
the sign should just say Bridge Out"? |
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Name the only president
to have been a prisoner of war.
Identify the only college football player to win two Heisman Trophies.
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The Magic of Rubbing Alcohol Ink stains: Try soaking the spot in rubbing alcohol for a few minutes before washing. Frosted windshields: Use a spray bottle filled with rubbing alcohol. Spray and then just wipe away. Also works to keep home windows free of frost (solution = 1/2 cup rubbing alcohol to 1 quart water). Bathroom chrome fixtures: Dampen a soft cloth with the alcohol and wipe away.
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