Something Different - May 2010

If you have something along these lines that you would like us to publish, please send them to me at vernazzarov@cox.net.
 

A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television. "It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said.  

He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done. "We put our TV away in the closet."  

"That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in there." 

A salesman rang the bell at a home, and the door was opened by a nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar. 

Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, "Is your mother home?" 

The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, "What do you think?" 

Ways to relieve stress 

*          Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. 

*          Use your MasterCard to pay your VISA bill. 

*          Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.  

*          When someone says, "Have a nice day!", tell them you have other plans. 

*          Thumb through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives. 

*          Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day. 

*          Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you. 

*          Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room. 

*          Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram. 

*          Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong. 

*          Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead. 

*          Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places. 

*          Lie on your back eating celery....using your navel as a salt dipper. 

*          Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in jail. 

*          Make up a language and ask people for directions. 

Ramblings of a Retired Mind -

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on.  I can't afford one.  So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease.  That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"  Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.'  I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?   What are we supposed to do -- write to these men?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.  As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve. 

The seven-year-old told her mother that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing," said the little girl, "he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company." 

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after awhile she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after awhile she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."